Armia tatuśka

Jones donates his butcher’s van to the platoon as a troop transport. Walker wants to use it for his black market activities, but when the platoon is encouraged by GHQ to work more closely with the ARP, Warden Hodges puts a spoke in the plan by deciding the vehicle will be used for an air-raid practice exercise.

The platoon is selected to attend a weekend camp. After arriving ’nearby’ by train, they get lost and arrive late and hungry, oversleep and miss breakfast, and are instructed to capture an ’enemy base’.

Mainwaring decides to use the public telephone system as a means of emergency communication, and sets out to familiarise his men with its intricacies. The exercise is put to good use when a German plane crashes in the town’s reservoir, leading Jones and Hodges to frantically try to phone GHQ.

When the platoon’s entire supply of ammunition is used up in engaging a low-flying German plane, Mainwaring sets up a court of inquiry to determine who should be held responsible.

Swallows Bank takes a direct hit during an air-raid, but the bomb fails to explode, leaving Mainwaring and Wilson stuck in the vault with it. When the Bomb Disposal officer retreats to collect the right tools, the platoon must take matters into their own hands.

It’s determined by GHQ that Captain Mainwaring has never held a commission, and he is demoted to Private. Sergeant Wilson takes temporary charge as Mainwaring attempts to regain his command.

The platoon is given a heavy naval artillery piece – but the town’s bandstand, a rare example of Victorian ironwork, is obstructing the field of fire. The Town Council insist it must be preserved, but Mainwaring reasons that a demonstration of the gun’s capabilities will win over the doubters.

A runaway barrage balloon has to be brought back to earth, and the platoon is called to action.

Mainwaring announces that a dance will be held to raise morale, but is less than pleased when Pike announces that his date for the evening will be the daughter of his cleaning woman.

The platoon are placed on guard duty, manning a machine gun post at the end of the pier. After Pike loses the food and the boat, morale begins to fall. The spotting of a drifting sea mine fails to improve morale.

When Private Godfrey admits to having been a conscientious objector during the Great War, he is branded a coward and sent home in disgrace, and is thereafter ostracised by the platoon.

Mainwaring decides to use Walker’s new tracking dog to discover the source of a discarded parachute.

Frazer, a coffin maker, loses the spring of the Lewis gun. Frazer believes it has been lost in a recently made coffin, shortly to be buried.

Mainwaring believes that the platoon could play havoc with the Nazis in a recently requisitioned boat, and the platoon set off to guard the local river.