Mówi Alan Partridge

Alan and Lynn view a show-home, where Alan displays his usual behaviour, and manages both to confuse and to bore the estate agent. Later in the day, Alan attends a luncheon at the BBC headquarters with Hayers (David Schneider), the fictional programme commissioner of the BBC, about the possibility of a second series of Knowing Me, Knowing You. Apparently unaware of how low his chances really are, he puts the nail in the coffin by reading out an array of ridiculous, badly thought-out programme ideas that bewilder and eventually upset Hayers, the last of which is "Monkey Tennis!?". When he is told that he is not to be re-commissioned, Alan attacks Hayers with a lump of cheese and flees the restaurant while shouting "I’ve got cheese, this is cheese!". After a heart-to-heart with Lynn, Alan returns to his hotel room, attempts to order an Irish coffee, turns on "Jet" by Wings and gives himself a black eye while attempting an athletic leap from his bed to the mini-bar.

Without a second series of his programme, Alan is nearing bankruptcy and chooses to fire the staff at his company, Peartree Productions, rather than downsize his car. However, when the staff ask him if he has a second series, Alan panics, and tells them that he has been successful. While the staff prepare a party, and Jill, his ageing, chain-smoking, divorcee receptionist (Julia Deakin) goes out to buy some snacks, Alan tries to extricate himself by firing staff members for various "offences," such as leaving an unwashed coffee cup on the table and rolling eyes. While he is locked in his boardroom, the staff leave. Jill returns, wondering where everyone has got to (he tells her they have gone to a spice museum) and the two go on a date to a nearby owl sanctuary, where Alan’s attempts at conversation bewilder Jill. In the evening, the two attend a Valentine’s Day dinner at the Travel Tavern, where Alan makes a fool of himself by singing "Close To You" for her with the hired band, and Lynn repeatedly attempts to sabotage Alan’s evening with the uncouth Jill. Alan and Jill return to his room, and in one of the most memorable moments of the series, Alan attempts to make love to Jill while providing a running commentary and, at the critical moment, attempts a discussion of the pedestrianisation of the Norwich city centre ’to keep the Wolf from the door, so to speak’. After Jill’s attempts at eroticism, involving covering Alan in chocolate mousse, Alan becomes angry. At work at the radio station that night he tells Jill she is sacked.

After making various unsympathetic comments about farming on his radio show, Alan becomes an object of hatred for local farmers. But he does not have time to worry about this as he is more concerned with shooting an advertisement for a small-boating holiday company. In the Travel Tavern’s bar, during an initial interview with the video executives (Peter Baynham and Simon Pegg), Alan panics and invents the ladyboy drink combination, the effects of which result in him phoning his ex-wife Carol, where he tries to insult her partner’s car. On his radio show, Alan interviews the leader of the local Farmers’ Union (Chris Morris), but instead of apologising, enrages local farmers even further by making increasingly insane comments about farmers. On the day of the video-shoot, Alan attempts to blend in with the hard-drinking crew and again displays his chronic lack of basic social skills. During the shoot, riddled with examples of Alan’s pathetic ineptitude, he is crushed by a dead cow thrown from a bridge by the disgruntled local farmers. Alan returns from hospital with a neck brace and broken fingers, and is forced to humiliate himself by phoning reception and asking Susan to ’make pornography come on my television’, after previously asking for such channels to be disconnected after the staff found out about his interest in Bangkok lady-boy programs. He then discovers his request to be a pointless waste of time, due to his hand injury.

There are major refurbishments taking place at the Linton Travel Tavern, during which the hotel is closed, leaving Alan as the only guest. Throughout the episode, he is desperately bored and does various things to pass the time, including dismantling a trouser press, walking along a dual-carriageway to a petrol station to buy several bottles of windscreen washer fluid, driving round the ring-road three times, buying some tungsten-tipped screws he never intends to use and dressing up as a zombie in a poorly planned practical joke. His boredom culminates with an incompetent attempt to steal a traffic cone, with Michael and Lynn.

Alan hosts "An Afternoon with Alan Partridge" at the Travel Tavern which is attended by his self-confessed "biggest fan", Jed Maxwell. He is also visited by Irish network executives (Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews) who are considering giving him a show on Irish television. Naturally, they are less than impressed by Alan (particularly regarding his ignorant take on the Troubles and his misunderstanding of the U2 song "Sunday Bloody Sunday"), though they do get along very well with Lynn. Through a series of mishaps, the three of them end up at Jed’s house. Having no home of his own, Alan pretends he cohabits with Jed, with extremely awkward consequences. After Alan and the Irishmen discover that Jed’s fandom is of a highly obsessive nature, with one of the rooms acting as shrine to the presenter, the two executives make their excuses and leave, leaving Alan alone. Alan becomes increasingly worried about his own safety and, following an altercation with Jed, he escapes and is seen running across nearby fields to flee the crazed and embittered fan.

After a depressing afternoon hosting a small village fayre and judging the vegetable competition, Alan is delighted to discover that Hayers has died and his successor, Chris Feather, is a man who had actually always supported, and liked Alan. Attending Hayers’ funeral (he knows Feather will be there) he immediately snaps up the opportunity to finally win his sought-after second series, but not before another shock death threatens to throw his dream into tatters.