Mówi Alan Partridge

While visiting Michael at the petrol station, Alan has a chance meeting with his old teacher Frank "Sweaty" (or "Cacky") Raphael (Andrew Burt, who also provided the voice-overs for the various Radio Norwich jingles in both series). Alan convinces Raphael to let him give a talk to the sixth formers at the school where Raphael is now headmaster. Whilst at the school, Alan bumps into an old schoolmate who is now a teacher (Ian Puleston-Davies). They try to reminisce over old times, but Alan still holds a grudge against this man, who once drew a penis on the back of his school blazer in chalk; which Alan was caned for. Later Alan begins his talk to the students which, of course, all goes wrong. Alan ends up insulting Raphael for caning him when he was younger and also insults his schoolmate for "getting the lab assistant pregnant, and never sees the kid." All of this results in Alan receiving a stern talking-to in the headmaster’s office. Towards the end of the episode, the reviled schoolmate comes into the petrol station; Alan, thinking he has come to fight, tries to threaten him with an apple turnover. The schoolmate apologises to Alan and hopes that they can be friends again, but as the schoolmate leaves the petrol station a customer tells him that he has got something on his back: Alan got Lynn to draw an anatomically dubious chalk ’penis’ on his back.

Michael comes to stay for a few days after his front door is stolen; Alan is asked to present a sales conference for "Dante’s of Reading," a company that supplies coal-effect fires and fireplaces. Dante’s Piet Morant (Steve Brody), a South African, visits Alan’s partially built house. After his frequent pranks with the security staff at his country club backfire and the police are called, Alan is forced to bring Piet to his partially built house. Lynn and Michael improvise some make-shift furniture in the empty house: they balance a toilet door on a Black & Decker Workmate for a table and attach several torches to a bicycle wheel for lighting. This fails to impress Morant, who is even less impressed by Alan’s attempt at a South African accent or his misunderstanding of Piets pronunciation of the word ’can’t’. Nevertheless, Alan is awarded the job, but tragedy ensues when Alan tries to climb over a country club’s fence and impales his foot on a metal spike. Lynn tells him to stay in hospital but Alan is completely adamant about doing the speech for "Dante’s of Reading." Unfortunately, his dry vomiting and foot pain turn his speech into a disaster.

Alan makes a new friend at the BP garage, Dan (Stephen Mangan). They both like the same beer, use the same deodorant, and drive ’Lexii’ ("the plural of Lexus"). Dan owns "Kitchen Planet" on the A416 (road) and arranges for Alan to present the Colman’s Mustard Bravery Awards. Alan’s attempts to impress Karen Colman are hugely unsuccessful; he even admits to her that he had mental health issues. She strikes up an instant rapport with Sonia, however, later inviting her back to her house without Alan. On hearing that the Colmans’ family motto is "Too much mustard gets up your nose," Alan tries desperately to impress her by eating a big spoonful of mustard. However, an unimpressed Karen has put this down to Alan’s previously declared "mental health", leaving him further humiliated. Later, at Dan’s home, Alan finds out that Dan and his wife enjoy a deviantly spicy lifestyle; to his great discomfort, they show him a tape of them having intercourse.

Alan plans a Bond-athon (watching all the Bond films in sequential order) for the bank holiday weekend with Michael. Lynn reveals to Alan that she has a new friend, Gordon, an ex-policeman who threatens Alan for mistreating Lynn at times. The Bond weekend all goes pear-shaped when Lynn accidentally destroys his Bond movies after spilling Sunny Delight over them. Alan is about to give her the full force of his anger when Gordon stands up next to her: Alan panics, backs down and decides to take his anger out on his breakfast cereals instead. When he discovers that Michael has another friend, Tex (Peter Serafinowicz), he becomes jealous and falls out with Michael, un-inviting him to the Bond-athon. Alan targets John the builder for his new friend/protector-from-Gordon. After patching things up with Michael, Alan discovers that Tex has taped over the one undamaged Bond film with an episode of "America’s Strongest Man."

The Inland Revenue are due to call and carry out a random investigation on Alan’s business affairs, causing him to worry. The Inland Revenue people arrive earlier than the set time, catching Alan dancing around (playing air bass) in his caravan to Gary Numan’s "Music for Chameleons". During the investigation, Alan offers the two "inspectressess" a beer (which they decline) and insists that they can’t have any "Mini Babybels" as they are for the car when he’s driving to Harrogate. Alan makes a fool out of himself several more times, including trying to walk like R2-D2, raising his legs, and "accidentally on purpose" breaking wind (claiming it was "mostly deliberate") right next to the Inland Revenue people. This leads to him having a minor argument with Sonia, which is all seen by the tax people. In order to make things up to her, he takes her to Bono’s house (really Blickling Hall), after falsely claiming to be a personal friend of his. Lynn also gets a friend of hers from the Baptist Church to pretend to be Bono, even giving him her mother’s cataract glasses to wear in hope that Sonia would be convinced he is Bono. Alan is rumbled by Sonia and by way of apology for the deception and for stabbing a giant teddy bear beefeater that Sonia bought him (with a receipt spike; on entering the static caravan, he mistook the bear for a burglar), he grudgingly consents to take her to London.

The building work on Alan’s house is finally complete and Sonia is angling to cohabit. Alan however, has other ideas and tries to "come to some arrangement" with her. He is interviewed on a radio show called Prayer Wave, where his insensitive comments result in one of the guests (Julia Davis) walking out. After this, he attends Lynn’s baptism at her church where he simulates blowing his head off with a shotgun and assaults one of the guests (Rob Brydon) who questions Alan’s anecdote-writing ability. Meanwhile, with "The Windmills of Your Mind" playing on the soundtrack, the remaining 14,000 unsold copies of Alan’s book, "Bouncing Back," are pulped. Alan takes some away with him in a plastic bag as mementoes.